Category Archives: bogans & dickheads

Man’s best friend?

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I think Canberra Raiders’ rugby league footballer Joel Monaghan took things a bit too far, and let one of his team mates dog get a bit too up close and personal.

A picture emerged late last week of Monaghan in a very compromising position with a labrador dog – to put it bluntly, it appeared the dog was giving him a blow job.

If you want the uncensored photograph, you can find it easily enough, here for example (WARNING – VERY MUCH NOT SAFE FOR WORK).

It seems that the lads in the local footy team were having some post season celebrations at one of their houses, and that Monaghan wasn’t really getting a blow job from the dog, but it was a prank, a simulated sex act.  Of course, all the boys were well tanked when this happened, and thought it was a great hoot, so much so that out came the mobile phones to take photos of the happy event.  Of course, there is a lesson we should never forget, which is that pissed idiots and cameras should never be allowed in the same place at the same time.  Normally I’d find it surprising that not one person there thought “hey this is not really a good idea” or “you know Joel, there are boundaries to what we should do”, or even “it would be really bad if this got out on the internet” – but we are talking of a bunch of football players here.

Well, you know what happened next, of course.  Surprise surprise it found its way to Twitter, then got mentioned by a radio station in Melbourne, then it was everywhere.

So now, Joel Monaghan, his team the Canberra Raiders, and the game he plays, rugby league, are laughing stocks around the world.  I bet you him nor the team mates who were all part of this prank probably don’t think it’s so funny right now.

To his credit, Monaghan did confess it was him in the photo that leaked – although the evidence against him really didn’t leave him much choice, but I’m sure many people in his situation would have tried to claim it was someone else who looked similar and denied it was them.  It was reported over the weekend that he would resign from the Raiders and go to play in England, to get away from the pressure, and humiliation that he would suffer every time he went out to play football – that plus it was very much a case of quitting before being fired by the club.

However, there seems to be an attempt by other players in his team to save him from being terminated, and to keep him.  Very forgiving lot these footballers.  These efforts undoubtedly might have been better expended in telling him to leave the dog alone at the party where it happened.  His fate is expected to be determined at a Canberra Raiders board meeting tomorrow.

Now, for those who have no desire to see the actual photo – and didn’t click on the link above to it – here is a simulation of what happened, a simulation of a simulated act as it were.

Apparently no dogs were hurt in the making of this video.  Actually I was talking to my daughter today (she trains dogs as part of her work) and she thought the dog wouldn’t have been hurt or distressed at all by having Monaghan’s penis in its mouth – in fact it most likely thought along the lines of “yum, I got peanut butter and this human is laughing and having fun so I’m happy, can we do it some more?” (the peanut butter reference is because it is believed that Monaghan coated his genitals with it to entice the dog to lick it off).

And what is it with these footballers who seem to want to find every opportunity to have their dicks out around each other – a bit of man love going on there?

Eternal damnation

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A New Zealand child-sex offender who believes giving a DNA sample would condemn him to eternal damnation wants an exemption from inclusion on a national police database.   David Hugh Chord, 37, is a Christian and believed that, if his DNA was taken, he would be given the "mark of the Beast" and damned for eternity, his lawyer, Michael Bott, said.

Chord is serving two years and nine months in prison after pleading guilty to six counts of an indecent act on a young person, and one of an indecent act on a child last year.

Mr Bott argued Chord’s religious belief should exempt him from having to provide a sample for the database.

"Based upon his interpretation of the Book of Revelation, that means he’s effectively damned and cut off from fellowship with his God."

Chord believed giving a DNA sample would cut him off from his God, and also the Christian community, which would impinge on his rehabilitation.

The judge hearing Mr Chord’s application asked Mr Bott whether Chord’s belief that anything that could identify him would inflict the mark of the Beast on him stretched to photos and fingerprints, which would have been taken when he was arrested. Mr Bott said it did not, but was restricted to DNA, which was the clearest identifier of individuality.

"It’s accepted that DNA is the building block, the key, that shapes human identity."

The judge commented that any God that would damn someone for eternity because a DNA sample was taken against their will was a "pretty tough God or deity or supreme being".

I’m not sure why Mr Chord is worried about eternal damnation – I expect he’s already earnt that for his crimes that he’s in jail for.  Nice try though – creative argument.

Man with 16 inch penis not happy

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Some people are never satisfied, you might say.  However, it’s not what it seems.

A 21-YEAR-OLD Bundamba man faces court after he allegedly tattooed an unwanted lewd image and slogan on his mate’s back – that image being a 40 cm (16”) penis along with a slogan suggesting the man was gay.  With mates like that, who needs enemies?

Police allege the man, who was not a professional tattooist, talked his friend into having the tattoo while the friend was visiting him at home.   They allege the tattooing followed a disagreement between the pair that culminated with the Bundamba man taking offence at something the victim said. 

According to the detective handling the matter:

“Apparently he went round to the other bloke’s house and somehow in the course of the conversation the subject of tattoos came up,”

“The victim wasn’t interested at first but he was talked into it and he said he wanted a Yin and Yang symbol with some dragons.

“He rolled him on to his stomach and the bloke started doing the tattoo and there was another bloke standing there watching saying, ‘Mate, it’s looking really good’.

“He was told not to go out into the sun and not to show anyone for a few weeks.

“When he got home he showed it to the person he lives with and she said: ‘I don’t think it’s the tattoo you were after’.”

Now I’d question the wisdom of allowing anyone, let alone a friend with who you’d had an argument to let them tattoo you – mind you, I think 99% of tattoos are shit, and that all those people who deface their bodies are going to grow up some day and regret it.  Anyway, I’m guessing the friendship between these guys involved a fair amount of substance abuse.

To add insult to injury, he was allegedly punched and thrown out of the Bundamba man’s house after he was tattooed.

The tattooist is scheduled to appear in Ipswich Magistrates Court on November 15. He was charged with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm and one charge relating to the Public Safety Act.  (You just knew this had to have happened in some super boganistic place like Ipswich).

The subject of his art faces an expensive and painful removal of the tattoo – estimated to cost up to $2,000.

Ouch!

Dick pics

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Here’s a novel crime.  Burgle people’s houses, steal their mobile phones, take photos of your dick and then send them to the phone owners’ contacts.

That’s what Shane Willis, a 33 year old Melbourne man did.  In court this week he pleaded guilty to more than 60 charges that included aggravated burglary, theft and using a carriage service to menace.

Rather unsurprisingly, when asked by police to explain his actions, Willis said:

"I’ve been off me head for a while … so … on drugs, so I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done."

He also admitted he had been "running amok" and doing "stupid things".

When in Scotland

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Speaking of visiting Scotland to sample whisky – refer to my last post – you might want to avoid staying at the Rosebank Guest House in Perth *.

The owner apparently gets his jollies by secretly filming guests having sex and then watching it out in his shed in the backyard.  He allegedly used tiny cameras disguised as smoke detectors in the guest rooms. 

James Stratton, 67, has pleaded guilty to a range of offences between 2005 and 2009 including disorderly conduct, installing covert video cameras, recording devices and viewing monitors within bedrooms used by lodgers.

On one occasion in 2008 he allegedly kicked two male lodgers out the house after watching recordings of them engaged in homosexual activity.

Stratton had recorded around a dozen lodgers in a year and was caught in April last year when a female lodger became suspicious. The woman heard noises in the attic and discovered a covert camera. Three more devices were found by police when they searched the home.  Wiring from the cameras was found leading out of the house, through the garage and into a shed in the backyard where there was a large flat screen TV, a camera switcher and a large hard disk recording device.

But not only was he perving on his guests.  He reportedly had so much x-rated footage he had to hire a storage unit at an airport to stash it all. More than 8000 indecent images of children and 622 incident film of children were also found.

His wife was apparently not aware of what he got up to out in the shed.

 

* although by the looks of their web site it looks like the place is under new ownership.

Just a smidgeon of an over-reaction?

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You go down to the local hardware store to buy a few tools.  As you leave the store, one of the staff asks to see your receipt for the stuff you’re walking out with.  Fair enough, you show it to them and everyone’s happy and you’re on your way, right?

Well that’s not how it turned out at the Bunnings store at Bonnyrigg in western Sydney.  Staff there asked to see the receipt for some tools two men were leaving the store with.  That led to an argument.   But then it escalated.  Forty minutes later they came back with two other men and recommenced the argument.  Staff ordered the men out of the store but they allegedly only retreated as far as a side driveway less than 50m from the store’s main entrance, where a scuffle ensued.  It was then that one of the men pulled a handgun and began firing.

Fortunately no-one was hit.  A short time later, police arrested four Greenfield Park men – aged 60, 43, 34, and 16 – in a nearby street.  The 34-year-old was charged with numerous offences, including shooting with intent to murder. The 43-year-old and the 16-year-old were charged with being accessories before the fact. The 60-year-old was released pending further inquiries.

I can’t argue with what the police superintendent in charge of investigating the incident said:

"It’s a complete over-reaction,"

"I can’t comprehend how the dispute got to the point where it would trigger the response where a firearm was produced."As a policeman of 30 years it’s incomprehensible."

"It is disturbing that there was a gun being carried around,"

"But what is really disturbing is that someone would react to what would seem to most other people a minor incident – being asked for a receipt – by taking a firearm to the dispute. The response is completely disproportionate to the dispute itself."

Too right.  What would possess someone to react like that?  I’m betting illegal substances had something to do with it.  That plus someone desperately needs  anger management therapy.  Plus, to have reacted so badly to such a minor challenge, I’d be saying the 34 year old guy responsible has an incredibly small penis!

Things you should not facebook

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I think this is a no brainer, and I suspect that was the problem with the dumb turd of a criminal who did it, no brain!

He robs a store in Ipswich, Queensland, and makes his getaway with his girlfriend.  Then heads for Canberra.  But he was thoughtful to his friends, and updated his Facebook status to say that’s where he was heading and that he would be staying with a friend there.   Unfortunately for him, the police already read it and asked the ACT Police to look out for him, and he was duly arrested in a Canberra shopping mall last Friday.

Yesterday, he told the ACT Magistrates Court that he was in fact going back to Queensland when he was arrested, and wanted to organise his own transport.  Wonder what that involved – stealing a car?  He also told the court that he had had a drug problem ”in the past” but had been getting over it in the past week while on remand – wow, major lifestyle change there, 3 days off drugs because he was in jail during the time.

The magistrate refused him bail and ordered him to be extradited to Queensland to face armed robbery charges.

Shane Lewis Aitken, 26 and Ava Marie Dawson, 28 – criminal geniuses not.  God help us if they breed! (Wait 28 year old bogan woman, probably already has 5 kids with 4 different dads).

I suspect this kid is better off without dad

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Dwayne Lamont Moten, a 20 year old man from Dallas, Texas, wanted custody of his 3 year old boy, Dwayne Junior.  But rather than take his ex-wife to court and argue the merits of his case he came up with a better plan.  He hired a friend to shoot him, intending to blame the crime on his wife’s boyfriend.  The plan was that his friend, Jacob Wheeler, would shoot Moten but only injure him.  However, the bullets that struck Moten did more damage than intended.  According to a police spokesman:

“He drove a short distance before he realized he was shot a little worse than he had planned and got out of his car, and was screaming for help,”

and a witness:

“Only thing we seen was this young man stopped in the middle of the street, and he got out hollering, ‘Man, I been shot. Somebody help me,’” When he hit the ground there was no more conversation going.”

Moten died from his injuries.  Wheeler is in jail charged with murder.

Unsurprisingly, both Moten and Wheeler had criminal records.

In a great piece of stating the bleeding obvious, the police spokesman had this to say, lest some other bright sparks get the same idea as Moten:

“There’s legal ways to get custody of a child and taking a bullet, and ultimately dying, is definitely not one of those ways,”

More stupid drunken antics

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The things people do when pissed amuse me.  There’s been blokes who’ve cut their balls off, set them on fire and all sorts of shit like that.  And now, here’s another entrant to the drunken stupidity hall of fame.

A man in Broome, Western Australia, got kicked out of the pub.  At a loose end, he decided to go visit the local crocodile park.  As you would.  I can’t express this better than the police did in saying what happened, so here it is:

"For some reason he’s made a decision to climb the fence into the crocodile park, where an almost five-metre male crocodile was living,"

"He appears to have wanted to touch that crocodile and sit on its back, and the crocodile has taken offence to that and bitten him on the right leg.

"He’s absolutely lucky to be alive, this is a large male saltwater crocodile, who aren’t renowned for letting people escape once they’ve got hold of them."

Fortunately for our drunken friend, the crocodile, named Fatso, was a bit off his game, and the man was able to escape.  The owner of the park, environmentalist Malcolm Douglas, says the crocodile named Fatso is one of his largest reptiles and could crush a man in one bite. But he says last night’s cooler weather made Fatso more lethargic than usual, and this probably saved the man.

The drunken idiot ended up in hospital having surgery to repair severe lacerations to his leg.

Motherly love

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Imagine you found yourself in this situation.

You have a 15 year old daughter.  Your husband, the girl’s stepfather is sleeping in the same bed as her.  In fact they have been doing this for the best part of a month.  He tells you that he and the girl are “getting closer” and “have developed feelings for each other”.   You’re livid with rage, right?

Correct, however in one Canberra family, the source of the mother’s anger wasn’t that her husband was abusing her daughter – no, it was anger at being “traded in” for a younger model.

When her husband told her about him and her daughter, her reaction was to take off in the car, pissed off with him, and return several hours later.  Did she act to remove her daughter from the situation?  Not at all it would seem.

Asked under cross-examination if she was still angry with her former husband, she said, ”In some ways. Yes and no.”  I suppose there’s something in the fact that he’s now her former husband – wonder if that had anything to do with looking after he daughter’s interests, or was something else altogether?  I’m surprised her answer to the question about being angry with him was so equivocal – me, I think what he did with the girl is in the category of unforgiveable sins.

The woman told the jury that after police had arrested her husband in May 2008, he told her that he had had sexual intercourse with her daughter twice, not four times as in the girl’s statement.  Well that makes it ok then I suppose?  Is there some weird rule somewhere that its fine to fuck your step-child, as long as you only do it less than four times?