Category Archives: crime & punishment

A lot of hot air

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The government in the African country of Malawi knows where its priorities lie.

The parliament there is debating a law that would criminalise farting in public.

Government minister George Chaponda  says that under the amended law farting will be considered a minor offence.  He said that if Malawians cannot control their farting:

"they should go to the toilet instead of farting in public."

"Nature can be controlled… it becomes a nuisance if people fart anywhere."

He blames democracy for the outbreak of public farting. 

"It was not there during the time of dictatorship because people were afraid of the consequences. Now because of multipartism or freedom, people would like to fart anywhere”.

The evil swine!  Such rebels.

Malawi has apparently had a law against public farting since 1929.  It says:

"Any person who voluntarily vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour."

Nobody in Malawi has been arrested nor convicted for farting under the old law, as police did not enforce it.  Either they couldn’t be bothered, were deaf and had no sense of smell, or there was a convenient dog to blame whenever anyone dropped their guts.

By the way, did you know a fart is the heaviest thing in the world?  Because once you drop one you can never pick it back up.

Oops, I just vitiated the atmosphere.  Pardon me.

Lady, choose your weapon

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Carolee Bildsten, 57, of Illinois in the US, arrested after allegedly attacking a police officer with a sex toy claimed to have been acting in self-defence. 

She had allegedly charged toward an officer with a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device” when the officer went to Ms Bildsten’s apartment after she was accused of skipping out on a restaurant tab.

“Clear, rigid feminine pleasure device” – ha ha, what a euphemism!.

And I love this explanation she gave for why she attacked the police officer:

“I got scared. And the only thing in my sock drawer besides my socks and my cash was a dildo,”

The perils of younger women

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A German father didn’t approve of his 17 year old daughter’s boyfriend, a 57 year old man.  He went to the police but they couldn’t help him.  So he took matters into his own hands.

He recruited a couple of his mates and paid the boyfriend a visit.  What happened next, according to the police, is:

“The man was forced to remove his trousers and, fully conscious, he was castrated,"

"The severed testicles were taken away by the perpetrator."

The boyfriend survived, despite suffering loss of blood (and balls).  The father has pleaded guilty to attempted murder, refusing to give up his accomplices and insisting his actions were justified.  In his own words to the police:

"I received a phone call anonymously that my daughter was involved with a guy 40 years older than her. You said you couldn’t stop him – so I did,"

"I saw it as my duty as a father."

I wonder if the boyfriend still finds his young girlfriend desirable.  Worth the chase?

Got some good shit?

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A 17 year old was arrested at the Bass Control dance party at Sydney Olympic Park on Saturday night after being found with 94 brown-coloured tablets which he was selling as ecstasy.  Tests are under way to determine exactly what the tablets contain but detectives believe they are laxatives being sold as ecstasy.

Flemington police Detective Inspector Scott Whyte warned it was difficult to tell what some illicit drugs contained.  He said:

"Not only are you breaking the law, but you’re risking your life because you don’t know what it is or how it will react with your body,"

This is something I don’t understand with those inclined to use pills like ecstasy.  It seems a hell of a risk to me, taking something from some dodgy character who got it from some other dodgy guy who probably mixed a batch of chemicals (god knows what) under dubious conditions in his bathtub.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL

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Not some form of extreme porn, but rather the size of women’s knickers that an English company has begun to make.  Just what the size 74 woman with the 267 cm waistline and weighing 285 kg needs.

The Big Bloomers Company started earlier this year, making underwear up to size XXXXXXXXL, for ladies up to 222 kg.  But they got swamped by calls from women claiming these were too small, saying they needed something bigger.  Since they launched their new supersize range, they have sold about 100 items in a week.

For your viewing pleasure, here is what XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL looks like.

Big-Knickers_682_1175344a

Go on, admit it, you want some.  You never know when you might need some shelter, or something for the kids to play in.

While I’m on the subject of fat women, Ailene Brown, 28, and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas, both from Oklahoma City, were arrested for shoplifting after loss prevention officers caught the women stuffing items under their stomach fat and breasts.  They allegedly stole goods worth $2,600.  Among their booty – four pairs of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves. One of the women was able to fit three boots under her breasts.

Dick pics

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Here’s a novel crime.  Burgle people’s houses, steal their mobile phones, take photos of your dick and then send them to the phone owners’ contacts.

That’s what Shane Willis, a 33 year old Melbourne man did.  In court this week he pleaded guilty to more than 60 charges that included aggravated burglary, theft and using a carriage service to menace.

Rather unsurprisingly, when asked by police to explain his actions, Willis said:

"I’ve been off me head for a while … so … on drugs, so I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done."

He also admitted he had been "running amok" and doing "stupid things".

Just a smidgeon of an over-reaction?

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You go down to the local hardware store to buy a few tools.  As you leave the store, one of the staff asks to see your receipt for the stuff you’re walking out with.  Fair enough, you show it to them and everyone’s happy and you’re on your way, right?

Well that’s not how it turned out at the Bunnings store at Bonnyrigg in western Sydney.  Staff there asked to see the receipt for some tools two men were leaving the store with.  That led to an argument.   But then it escalated.  Forty minutes later they came back with two other men and recommenced the argument.  Staff ordered the men out of the store but they allegedly only retreated as far as a side driveway less than 50m from the store’s main entrance, where a scuffle ensued.  It was then that one of the men pulled a handgun and began firing.

Fortunately no-one was hit.  A short time later, police arrested four Greenfield Park men – aged 60, 43, 34, and 16 – in a nearby street.  The 34-year-old was charged with numerous offences, including shooting with intent to murder. The 43-year-old and the 16-year-old were charged with being accessories before the fact. The 60-year-old was released pending further inquiries.

I can’t argue with what the police superintendent in charge of investigating the incident said:

"It’s a complete over-reaction,"

"I can’t comprehend how the dispute got to the point where it would trigger the response where a firearm was produced."As a policeman of 30 years it’s incomprehensible."

"It is disturbing that there was a gun being carried around,"

"But what is really disturbing is that someone would react to what would seem to most other people a minor incident – being asked for a receipt – by taking a firearm to the dispute. The response is completely disproportionate to the dispute itself."

Too right.  What would possess someone to react like that?  I’m betting illegal substances had something to do with it.  That plus someone desperately needs  anger management therapy.  Plus, to have reacted so badly to such a minor challenge, I’d be saying the 34 year old guy responsible has an incredibly small penis!

Things you should not facebook

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I think this is a no brainer, and I suspect that was the problem with the dumb turd of a criminal who did it, no brain!

He robs a store in Ipswich, Queensland, and makes his getaway with his girlfriend.  Then heads for Canberra.  But he was thoughtful to his friends, and updated his Facebook status to say that’s where he was heading and that he would be staying with a friend there.   Unfortunately for him, the police already read it and asked the ACT Police to look out for him, and he was duly arrested in a Canberra shopping mall last Friday.

Yesterday, he told the ACT Magistrates Court that he was in fact going back to Queensland when he was arrested, and wanted to organise his own transport.  Wonder what that involved – stealing a car?  He also told the court that he had had a drug problem ”in the past” but had been getting over it in the past week while on remand – wow, major lifestyle change there, 3 days off drugs because he was in jail during the time.

The magistrate refused him bail and ordered him to be extradited to Queensland to face armed robbery charges.

Shane Lewis Aitken, 26 and Ava Marie Dawson, 28 – criminal geniuses not.  God help us if they breed! (Wait 28 year old bogan woman, probably already has 5 kids with 4 different dads).

I suspect this kid is better off without dad

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Dwayne Lamont Moten, a 20 year old man from Dallas, Texas, wanted custody of his 3 year old boy, Dwayne Junior.  But rather than take his ex-wife to court and argue the merits of his case he came up with a better plan.  He hired a friend to shoot him, intending to blame the crime on his wife’s boyfriend.  The plan was that his friend, Jacob Wheeler, would shoot Moten but only injure him.  However, the bullets that struck Moten did more damage than intended.  According to a police spokesman:

“He drove a short distance before he realized he was shot a little worse than he had planned and got out of his car, and was screaming for help,”

and a witness:

“Only thing we seen was this young man stopped in the middle of the street, and he got out hollering, ‘Man, I been shot. Somebody help me,’” When he hit the ground there was no more conversation going.”

Moten died from his injuries.  Wheeler is in jail charged with murder.

Unsurprisingly, both Moten and Wheeler had criminal records.

In a great piece of stating the bleeding obvious, the police spokesman had this to say, lest some other bright sparks get the same idea as Moten:

“There’s legal ways to get custody of a child and taking a bullet, and ultimately dying, is definitely not one of those ways,”

Motherly love

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Imagine you found yourself in this situation.

You have a 15 year old daughter.  Your husband, the girl’s stepfather is sleeping in the same bed as her.  In fact they have been doing this for the best part of a month.  He tells you that he and the girl are “getting closer” and “have developed feelings for each other”.   You’re livid with rage, right?

Correct, however in one Canberra family, the source of the mother’s anger wasn’t that her husband was abusing her daughter – no, it was anger at being “traded in” for a younger model.

When her husband told her about him and her daughter, her reaction was to take off in the car, pissed off with him, and return several hours later.  Did she act to remove her daughter from the situation?  Not at all it would seem.

Asked under cross-examination if she was still angry with her former husband, she said, ”In some ways. Yes and no.”  I suppose there’s something in the fact that he’s now her former husband – wonder if that had anything to do with looking after he daughter’s interests, or was something else altogether?  I’m surprised her answer to the question about being angry with him was so equivocal – me, I think what he did with the girl is in the category of unforgiveable sins.

The woman told the jury that after police had arrested her husband in May 2008, he told her that he had had sexual intercourse with her daughter twice, not four times as in the girl’s statement.  Well that makes it ok then I suppose?  Is there some weird rule somewhere that its fine to fuck your step-child, as long as you only do it less than four times?