Two men walked into a petrol station near Auckland. One of them went to the pie warmer, picked up several pies and placed one inside his jacket. He then asked the attendant if he could have one pie for free but was told he would have to pay for all of them.   He storms off in a huff, then goes off and talks to his mate in the car outside, and decides he really does want his free pies.  But the attendant has locked the doors of the shop. 

The man returned to the car where he and his friend decided they would find another way to enter the store. They drove the car through the door, one of them picks up his pies off the counter and they do a runner.  A police chase followed, ended with them running over some police road spikes.

Seriously, a service station pie.  These guys have an instant insanity defence.  When has anyone ever had a decent servo pie.  Soggy, lukewarm, meatless, yes, but decent eating, never.

And in related junk food cravings news, also in New Zealand, a man flew into a rage after staff at a Wendy’s restaurant mucked up his order. He allegedly smashed tills, flipped tables and assaulted a police officer who responded to the incident. After being apprehended he was taken to hospital to be treated for injuries he had suffered during the arrest.

This one is more understandable.  I mean who hasn’t felt like throttling the idiot teenager who screws up their order at a takeaway.  I get pissed off with repeating orders twice or more, thinking to myself  “do I not speak English?” or “fuck you, listen” or “maybe if you concentrated on your job you wouldn’t fuck my order up”.

I’m listening to The Living End – Song For The Lonely

It’s been damn hot here, too.

Only one thing wrong with that sign, the beer is XXXX.  But beggars can’t be choosers, so they say.  (also, wouldn’t 0.2 degrees make it more of a beer slushie than a drink?)

A crocodile at a wildlife park in New South Wales, Australia, grabbed a lawnmower from workmen during routine park maintenance and dragged it into his pool.

The five-metre crocodile (his name is Elvis) had charged staff at the Australian Reptile Park at Gosford after they went into its enclosure about 8am today. The men – who used their lawnmowers as a barrier when the crocodile lunged – managed to escape unharmed.

A rescue mission was mounted a few hours later to retrieve the mower, which Elvis had dragged underwater.

I reckon Elvis is being falsely accused over this.  I mean look at his halo, which can be clearly seen in the photo.

And no way would I ever have gone in to rescue the mower.  No matter how distracted the crocodile was.  A long rope and a grappling hook would have had to do the job for me.  Or else Elvis could keep it – he might need to mow the bottom of his pool every now and then.

The minister in charge of Australia’s broadcasting standards has dropped the F-word live on national television during children’s viewing hours. Communications Minister Stephen Conroy was answering an AAP question about the risk for investment in Australia at the National Press Club in Canberra that was being shown live on the ABC today. 

His offending remarks:

"In terms of sovereign risk, I love the debate about sovereign risk,”

"I have seen a new definition of sovereign risk, it’s asymmetrical.

"If a tax goes up, God, that is sovereign risk, but if a tax goes down that’s fucking fantastic, excuse me, that is fantastic.”

The opposition later attacked Senator Conroy for making a "sloppy and vulgar" speech at the press club.  No doubt there will be other guardians of all that is good and proper in the world who will be outraged (rather than disappointed, because these days no one is just disappointed, or annoyed, when they don’t like something … no, they are OUTRAGED, at least according to the mainstream media’s view of the world)

I’d actually rather see our politicians drop the occasional F bomb, or do other “normal” things rather than have everything they say scripted and coached, bland and afraid to offend anyone.

Besides, complaining about politicians swearing is akin to complaining about them lying.

PS – this just demonstrates my point from an old post, that “fuck” is the most versatile word in the English language.

Having lost out with her workers compensation claim, then presumably lost at the Administrative Appeals Tribunal, she’s now taken it as far as the Federal Court.

Her man friend doesn’t seem to have done much good as a witness in support of her claim.  He had this to say:

"I do not know if we bump the light or it just fell off."

"I think she was on her back when it happened but I was not paying attention because we were rolling around,"

She and her man have managed to keep their names suppressed during the whole claim and cases to date.  If she’s got enough front to pursue it this far, I can’t see why she’d be shy about being outed.

Check out the style.

And if he couldn’t make it in the public service, there’s always a job for the guy at the lunch buffet in 70’s porn movies.

Blondie in this photo is Ian, but while he’s from Canberra, he is not me.

Have I mentioned this advertisement is from the early 70’s.  So no, Canberra in 2011 has not gone super retro or anything like that.  And that Ian couldn’t have been me – I was still at primary school.

What I’m curious about with these photos is whether any of the people in them will be outed, or out themselves?

The parliament there is debating a law that would criminalise farting in public.

Government minister George Chaponda  says that under the amended law farting will be considered a minor offence.  He said that if Malawians cannot control their farting:

"they should go to the toilet instead of farting in public."

"Nature can be controlled… it becomes a nuisance if people fart anywhere."

He blames democracy for the outbreak of public farting. 

"It was not there during the time of dictatorship because people were afraid of the consequences. Now because of multipartism or freedom, people would like to fart anywhere”.

The evil swine!  Such rebels.

Malawi has apparently had a law against public farting since 1929.  It says:

"Any person who voluntarily vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour."

Nobody in Malawi has been arrested nor convicted for farting under the old law, as police did not enforce it.  Either they couldn’t be bothered, were deaf and had no sense of smell, or there was a convenient dog to blame whenever anyone dropped their guts.

By the way, did you know a fart is the heaviest thing in the world?  Because once you drop one you can never pick it back up.

Oops, I just vitiated the atmosphere.  Pardon me.

She had allegedly charged toward an officer with a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device” when the officer went to Ms Bildsten’s apartment after she was accused of skipping out on a restaurant tab.

“Clear, rigid feminine pleasure device” – ha ha, what a euphemism!.

And I love this explanation she gave for why she attacked the police officer:

“I got scared. And the only thing in my sock drawer besides my socks and my cash was a dildo,”

But now they’ve excelled themselves – with electronic toilet games. 

Four types of "Toylets” games are available at four male facilities in pubs and game arcades, in a test project aimed at drawing attention to digital ads. Each urinal is fitted with a pressure sensor and an eye-level digital display, with ads shown after the games are played.

Games include Graffiti Eraser in which a user tries to aim at the pressure sensor and erase virtual graffiti on the display.  Then there’s Mannekin Pis, which measures the volume of the user’s stream, and The North Wind and The Sun and Me, in which the strength of a urine stream determines the extent to which a virtual girl’s skirt gets blown up by a digital wind.  Splashing Battle! pits the user against the previous urinal user in terms of stream strength.  Now there’s a challenge!

Beats pissing up the wall to see how high you can reach, I suppose.

A couple had to be rescued from the flooded Yarra River after they got into trouble after having decided to go for a float down the river with their inflatable dolls.

The man and woman, both 19, were left clinging to a fallen gum tree in the middle of the river in North Warrandyte when one of the doll’s snagged on the tree and their caper went horribly wrong about 4.30pm on Sunday.  They were stuck in the middle of the river for about an hour until the State Emergency Service came to the scene and rescued them.

While it is understood the blow up doll and several other inflatable items were salvaged from the scene, the bottoms of the rescued woman’s bathers were long gone down the river.  The rescuers had to provide her with a blanket to preserve her modesty.

In a valuable life lesson to emerge from this misadventure, police warned that blow-up dolls are not recognised floatation devices.  So remember that everyone!